1. Put a small piece of aluminum foil on your dental filling. (Please note, Werther’s Originals candy wrappers do not provide a significant source of shock. We recommend the copper-sided foil of Rolos.)
2. Pluck a small hair from the outside of your nose.
3. Coat your finger with peanut butter and let your dog lick it clean, permitting as much mouth-play as you’re comfortable with. Your goal here is gnawing, but be careful to let him break the skin. That borders on basic masochism, which you’re not ready for yet.
4. Leave your thigh-high compression socks on overnight. This will not cause you lasting harm, but you will suffer slightly.
5. Use the toilet without the donut seat cushion in place.
6. Dip the end of your tongue into a hot cup of coffee. (It hurts so good.)
7. Place a few sesame seeds between your dentures and gums. It will only take two or three. Five is too many.
8. Put the tennis-ball covered leg of your walker on your gout-ridden toe. Slowly, gently press down.
9. If all else fails, dab a little bit of Preparation H in your eye. But just a touch, now. If you encounter a searing pain, then you’ve gone too far and you need to do an eyewash in the sink.
That shit about overnight thigh-high compression socks causing slight suffering is true.